Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Worrying will NEVER change the outcome

The surgery is scheduled and I try not to worry.  Of course, coming from a worry wart, NOT worrying is really fucking hard.  Let me clarify that I am not worried about the surgery - I'm just a touch worried about the follow up.  I notice that I tend to worry more after a few days of sleepless nights.  I had to call in sick basically two days last week because I was so tired and was scared to drive.  Every time I stood up I got light headed. I'm not about to get behind the wheel of a 2,000 pound missile when I can barely stand up! It was super fun...  :/  I hate calling in sick, it makes me cry every single time. 

After sleeping the whole night through, or even just a solid 5-6 hours, I feel extremely strong and extremely confident.  Like, “Come at me, bro!” confident.  And by the way, sleeping up until 5am is absolutely included in the ‘whole night’ category – even if I wake up a few times to move into a new sleeping position.  Weird how something you take for granted (closing your eyes at night and letting your body take the wheel) vastly impairs your daily functions and your thoughts if your mind is holding the wheel as opposed to your body.  Stupid controlling, head! 
Speaking of that stupid controlling head of mine, last week I was mentally preparing for the surgery.  O-kay so no Vitamins, Antioxidants, Ibuprofen…wait a second, I had written on the forms that I only take Ibuprofen on an ‘as-needed’ basis.  I had scanned over the last week or so, at least as far back as I could go, and I every day was an ‘as-needed’ day.  I have had a headache at one point or another every day.  Worry Wart – straight to the rescue!  “Have no fear?  You’ll have it now!” That’s Captain Worry Wart’s slogan.  Kind of catchy, don’t you think?

Most of the time, it’s a dull ache right at the front of my head.  I’ve just presumed this whole time that it’s been a byproduct of a sinus infection that I had last year (Feb – March, 2012).  Every night, either one or the other nostril get plugged up, which is why I assumed its sinus related.  I did mention this to Dr. Surgeon and he said that it’s probably chronic sinusitis and that he could refer me to an E.N.T.  He also said that sinus infections do a number on your sinuses, since there are so many nooks & crannies in there.  I'm sure it's stress manifesting itself in all kinds of ways.  As I am typing this, that pesky worry wart is slouching away, but he still scares me a bit.  
I was talking to the hubs, not this last weekend but the weekend prior, and I completely went straight into freak out mode over it.  Every little thing since the diagnosis has been in the back of my mind – or should I say the front of my mind with this dull ass pain.  Every chest pain.  Every little heart flutter.  Every lower back pain.  Every sneeze (which I've been doing a lot of).  And of course, every headache.  It could be stress.  It could be a complete lack of sleep.  It could be a cyst in there.  It could be allergies, too - which I actually think it may be.  I mean, it’s not like I can feel something literally ‘moving’ in there.  It’s not like a pinball machine – though the thought makes me giggle (picturing my eyes lighting up really bright, blinking with bells going off when ‘whatever-it-is’ touches a certain part of my dome).  It could be a combination of a ton of things, which I absolutely don’t want Melanoma to be a part of.  That would suck…that would suck BIG time.

Most of the time, when I am worrying, I get this wave of calmness.  At least at this point, I can’t change anything.  I can’t change the fact that I sat on this growing mole for over a year.  I can’t change the diagnosis.  I can’t change any future diagnosis, either.    What I can change is my mood, my attitude and my overall outlook.  Worrying will never change the outcome.   That will become my mantra until April 23rd – the day of the follow up appointment to find out results of from surgery day.  Ohhhh.....surgery is 3 days away, I'm weirdly SUPER excited for it :)
Good thoughts, people!  No positive nodes!  


  1. I hate and love your blog..younknow what i mean....i love you and im a totally worryed person too. So adding you to my list of worrys. But in reading your blog i feel a lil closer to you and since i have been to the doctors twice. Your making me think about myself for the first time in a long time. Love you smooches ali :-)

    1. I love and hate it, too :) I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that it's allowing me to open up more than I normally do. Don't worry about me, I do that enough on my own :) Everything is going to be fine, promise!

  2. We are almost the same in that. You know im a huge worryer. I love you and will be sending u my good vibes all the way from maui on friday. love ali