Since the biopsy last week of my angry lymph node on my neck, I’ve been trying not to worry about it because, as I’ve said before: Worrying will never change the outcome. The first couple of days were pretty bad. I wasn’t sleeping, I was terribly worried about it being Melanoma, blah blah blah. Wednesday and Thursday were just plain crappy on the crap-o-meter.
Then on Friday, I decided to do some research based on Dr. Surgeon‘s suggestion that it ‘might be Lymphoma‘. Yes, I am a bit of a detective - I may have been one in a past life. I find that there are two main branches of Lymphoma: Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Under the Non-Hodgkin's branch there are a ton of different types. I’ve read on some websites that there may be as many as 50! That is not a typo - 50! Makes me want to kick my leg up like Molly Shannon’s SNL character “Sally O’Malley”. I’m FIFTY!
Anyways. During my research I learned that there are quite a few of Non-Hodgkin’s that can involve the skin and have a RASH that looks damn similar to what I have. People also experience easy bruising, fatigue, fever, more than normal hair loss, itchy skin, headaches and of course a swollen lymph node(s) (among other symptoms). As of late I am waking pretty much every morning to a new bruise with no idea where the heck it came from, I’m always tired and almost sore, I always have a low grade fever typically around 99.3 - 99.7, I shed hair like a sick dog and we can’t forget the whole headache debacle.
You’d think that it would have freaked me out, but it didn‘t. It was almost an ‘ah-ha’ moment. Ah-ha…that’s what it is! A weight was lifted. It was as if I could finally exhale. I don’t need to search for ‘what-it-is’ anymore.
Need not worry, yesterday I got the call from UCI and spoke to nurse G. She told me that both tests came back negative for malignancy in Melanoma AND Lymphoma. Phew!! It IS great news and I was stoked! It was a huge relief, but not the one that I am looking for.
The majority of you will not understand this: I feel like something is wrong. I feel like something is medically wrong and the doctors have missed it. I’ve felt this way since April and I've never felt like this prior to then. I’m searching for the reason of why I am feeling this way. It’s not fun living like this. Not at all, it sucks, it's incredibly frustrating. I know what you’re thinking: Just snap the hell out of it! You’re ’cancer-free’; move on with your life! Yeah, yeah, yeah - it’s a lot easier said than done. I told the hubs last night that "NO" is not the answer I am looking for. I am looking for "YES" - 'Yes, this is what is wrong with you' - 'here is the name of the reason you’ve been feeling like an insane person for the last 4 months'.
I know, it sounds crazy, I know. I can hear myself when I am crying and trying to explain this unusual creepy feeling. I don’t want cancer and I definitely don't want another type. I wish that I was never diagnosed with Melanoma because I wouldn’t have all of this crap that has so annoyingly invited itself along for the joyride. I wouldn’t feel like a mental patient. But I do have Melanoma…and I sound crazy...and I need to learn how to deal with it.
So, how does said crazy person deal with being…well, crazy? You cry when you feel like it. You get stuff off your chest by writing them down if it’s easier than talking. You try to get out of your head for a mini anti-anxiety vacation - whether it be a bike ride or cooking something yummy. You sign up with support group(s) online and in person. I’ve already registered to chat forums online, but I felt like I would still be sort of hiding behind the security of a computer and possibly wouldn‘t open up completely.
With that said, I just registered for my first ‘live’ support group and it’s tomorrow at noon!! I am really, really excited! I am really excited in the possibility of finding out that I may not be as crazy as I feel, and that my friends, would feel really freaking amazing. We'll see how it goes; I think the groups in the evening may be a better play since there might be more people there. I'm still researching options in the area but at least I took one HUGE step in the right direction :)
|I've got to keep this one...|