I was reading this Melanoma blog from a girl who is now 25-26 years old now – she was diagnosed when she was only 23 years with Stage III. Maybe some of you have heard of it: My Adventures with my Enemy Melanoma. Her outlook has helped out tremendously. She mentioned in an early post from year or two ago that the cancer is consuming her. Not as in spreading throughout her body “consuming” her, but mentally. It’s mentally consuming. And it’s time consuming. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost everything that I think of – from the point that I wake up in the morning at 3am because I’m not sleeping to the point that I fall asleep on the couch at 8:30pm because I’m not sleeping.
I’m currently in freak out mode, again. I’m freaking out over the results of the surgery that I haven’t even had yet. I’m really nervous. This is the most nervous that I have ever been in my life. I can’t help but to worry for the worst case scenario. I worry, that’s what I do. It’s my way of coping for the ‘just in case’. I don’t want to be kicked in the side when I am skipping along thinking that everything is going fine and dandy. My back muscles are so tight they feel like they could snap. My knees hurt…which is super lame. My theory with the knees is because of the colitis; I’m stressing out so much that it’s manifesting itself in other auto-immune ways…which is possible. Annoying and possible.
I know I should be positive right now – but it’s difficult on days that I am extremely tired, like today.I know I should try to imagine myself healthy and clean as a whistle – but when I do my “white light scan” in my mind, visualizing that everything is normal, it stops at my shoulders.
I know I should get the rest that I so desperately need – but I can’t and it’s terribly frustrating.
I know I shouldn’t say/think/write this – but I have a bad feeling.
And I know I am getting off work shortly and nothing makes me feel better than driving home to see my handsome husband with all windows down, music up and sun on my skin.