I was reading this Melanoma blog from a girl who is now
25-26 years old now – she was diagnosed when she was only 23 years with Stage
III. Maybe some of you have heard of it:
My Adventures with my Enemy Melanoma. Her
outlook has helped out tremendously. She
mentioned in an early post from year or two ago that the cancer is consuming
her. Not as in spreading throughout her
body “consuming” her, but
mentally. It’s mentally consuming. And it’s time
consuming. I can’t get it out of my
head. It’s almost everything that I
think of – from the point that I wake up in the morning at 3am because I’m not
sleeping to the point that I fall asleep on the couch at 8:30pm because I’m not
sleeping.
I’m currently in freak out mode, again. I’m freaking out over
the results of the surgery that I haven’t even had yet. I’m really nervous. This is the most nervous that I have ever
been in my life. I can’t help but to worry
for the worst case scenario. I worry,
that’s what I do. It’s my way of coping
for the ‘just in case’. I don’t want to
be kicked in the side when I am skipping along thinking that everything is
going fine and dandy. My back muscles
are so tight they feel like they could snap.
My knees hurt…which is super lame. My theory with the knees is
because of the colitis; I’m stressing out so much that it’s manifesting itself
in other auto-immune ways…which is possible.
Annoying and possible.
I know I
should be positive right now – but it’s difficult on days that I am extremely tired, like today.
I know I
should try to imagine myself healthy and clean as a whistle – but when I do my
“white light scan” in my mind, visualizing that everything is normal, it stops
at my shoulders. I know I should get the rest that I so desperately need – but I can’t and it’s terribly frustrating.
I know I shouldn’t say/think/write this – but I have a bad feeling.
And I know I am getting off work shortly and nothing makes me feel better than driving home to see my handsome husband with all windows down, music up and sun on my skin.
Even 2 1/2 years after being diagnosed, there are times when I feel consumed by cancer. Usually it's right before I head for my next set of scans. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe fear never really goes away, I've just learned to adjust & live a happy life!
But that first year? Oh man...I think I'm still recovering from it! XO
Whoah, looking at this now from a few months ago...shit, you weren't supposed to read this! :) I talked about YOU in the beginning. I appreciate your kind words. Although I am not at your stage, I'm still scared :/ It makes me feel super stupid for being worried for not having nodes affected :/
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