The few days leading up to Christmas were really hard for me. I eventually had to remove Facebook from my phone (I didn’t uninstall; I sadly only removed the quick access button). I got annoyed of seeing everyone’s joyful, family postings. I know that it’s kind of an awful thing to say, but it’s true. I have been entirely apathetic to other people’s issues. Last weekend while I was taking the Fox Force (aka: Foxy; Auntie G’s dog) out for a pee, this random dude that I've never met or even seen in my life, decided to talk to me; this 2 minute “talk” was way awkward to say the least. He jumped right into telling me how bad of a day he is having because he has to kick out his roommate on account of the fact that "the roommate" is verbally abusive to the "the roommate's" girlfriend who also lives there. I guess he could tell by my furrowed brow accompanied with my what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about expression that I couldn’t find one, single shit to give about his minuscule “problem”.
As of late, all I want to do is zone out on Netflix. By the way, ‘The Office’ is hilarious! After I am done with 9 seasons of the aforementioned (I think I am up to 3), next on deck will be 'Parks & Recreation' and so on and so fourth. Even though I am attempting to "zone out", it typically doesn't work out as anticipated. Being alone with my thoughts isn’t the greatest idea right now given my dumb ass temper, so that's why being around real live people is so much better.
Since we've usually been around family/office family, they all know the situation and we don't talk about it – which is fine – some days I can talk about it without shedding one, single tear; other days it’s an accidental commercial, or a completely random thought that brings me crumbling down. Unfortunately there were two people at Christmas Eve that weren't aware of the situation. And they commented on how pretty my necklace is. I. Almost. Lost. It. I told them “Thanks, it’s…umm….it’s my dad”. And they stepped closer asking if it’s his hair or something, to which I respond “Uh, no. It’s him, like his cremains... He, um...he died about 4 weeks ago”. And of course during this exchange, I could hear murmuring with faint bits of "Yeah, her father just died”. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Christmas Day was better, my momma met the hubs and me at our place then the three of us went over to hub's momma's place. Good lord, it would have been surreal if we had Xmas at my mom's place - no thanks! Because of the different environment, it was easier (for me, at least) - and I think it was easier for my momma, too. She cried a bit, although I'm certain the tears were way less than it would have been had Christmas been at home. That would just be too weird.
With his passing being in the midst of the holidays, everything has gone by SO incredibly fast! The actual holidays themselves have been a complete blur overridden by a cloud of his tragic passing. The only sort-of-good in this was the fact that there were federal holidays mixed in with the sadness. This is the first time since I was in high school that I've slept for hours and hours. There was a day last week that I slept until straight up 10:45! That is amazing! My body/belly is stressed, for sure, but at least I am able to finally sleep. Actually, I am tired all of the fucking time. But, I suppose it's better than being totally bummed, belly/body/brain stressed and not sleeping, like I usually can't. Sleep I will take with a smile...
So, all in all, I am SO damn grateful that last year is OVER WITH!!
Cheers to a better year!
Cheers to the family that we DO have!
Cheers to new happy experiences that we have yet to have!
Cheers to growing and learning as a person!
Cheers to having a better year than the last....(clink *gulp*)