SCARlet ONMYBACKson

Today was the first day that I was able to walk around without a bandage on my new addition....the name is SCARlet.  Get it??  Because there is SCAR in it??  I amuse myself.  But for reals, I haven't really named my scars before - but I might start.  It's never to late to try something new, right??

Anywho - this morning I was awake at 3:15 - exhausted - but wide awake.  I toss and turn, not able to find another comfortable spot because as most of us know, when there has been a surgery on your back, it's a little difficult to get comfy.  It's not quite as bad as the wide excision, not only because the lymph node biopsy in my pitter was crazy sore, but also because they took quite a large chunk of skin off my back and sewed me up REALLY tight.  This one is a little different, however essentially the same.  I was sliced down to muscle, yanked on, fat removed - still sore.

This morning, delirious from the Tylenol PM wearing off, I started thinking of stories I might say to someone if asked what my scars are from.  Seeing that I have a stellar personality, my mind pondered through so, so many options.

• "I was at a Kangaroo sanctuary and Momma Roo was upset that baby Joey took a liking to me.  She kicked my ass....I mean, my back."
• "I go to Sturgis every year, riding my hog with no helmet.  I got into a knife fight.  You should totally see the other 5 men, waaaaay worse off than me."
• "I worked at the Post Office and it was a terrible, terrible letter opening incident - we don't speak of this anymore."  
• "You know those beds of nails?  Well, someone thought it'd be hilarious to literally pull my leg.  It wasn't funny."
• "I was born half angel.  My right wing never sprouted"
• "Horses are assholes!" (and just leave it at that and walk away)
• "I used to para-glide....until I ran into the side of Mt. Everest.  The everest is history"
• And the hubs' contribution: "My mother was stabbed in the belly while I was in the womb" <- I just had to add this one because it's too weird not to.  

But of course, none of those stories (*cough* LIES) will ever be muttered.  I will always be compelled to tell my/our story.  I'm like the honey badger, I don't care.  If they ask, then they can deal with the repercussions of the truth - however uncomfortable it may make the other person.

Saturday: 09/27 - right after the dressing from surgery was allowed to be removed.  Still pretty swollen, even though I had been laying on ice packs for two days.

Sunday: 09/28 - swelling looks better, bruising is a little yellow now.  And I think I might be more allergic to sticky things than I initially assumed??  Everything said latex free...but jeez, man!

The fat's in the wrong spot, Dr....

Well folks, I had a nice surprise today at the doctor's office.  As I mentioned, I was anticipating a discussion of options about the lump on my back.  Maybe a scan, maybe a biopsy - I wasn't anticipating the....dun.dun.duuuuun:  Surgery.  Removal.  Complete excision.  Not today, I was expecting it a week or two down the line.

Me and the hubs walk into the room and there is a fully dressed surgery table, the light is already on - surgery tools standing by on deck waiting to be put in the game.  I said to the nurse "wait a second, THIS is happening today - right now?"  She giggled and confirmed.  I sat down and turned to the hubs and mentioned that at least I wont have to freak out for another week or two until the actual date comes around.

I throw on my luxurious gown, which was WAY nicer than the last (big) surgery one that was paper and lined with plastic.  Of course, it's a photo op.  It's always a photo op with me and the hubs.  Yesterday we tried out this new sammy place (Firehouse Subs) and he got a kiddo meal and they give you this little, teeny plastic fireman's hat - to which I wore for unknown reasons.  What happens - he whips out his....phone and takes pictures.

Anyways - Dr. walks in and is like "Um, I'm not sure why you're here - your pathology report from Nurse Moreno just shows a standard Nevi".  Nevi is 'mole' in Dr. talk.  I had a mole removed from my left underboob that was ugly and depending on my bra would sometimes get clipped - I wanted it gone.  Literally like 5 days later is when the hubs found the lump on my back.  So, I explained that's SO not the reason why I was there and arched my back - the hubs quickly moving my my luxurious gown out of the way and pointing out the lump.  I should have named that bastard ....hmmm..... Quasimodo - I LOVE IT!!  That's suiting, yes??

Dr. begins examining Quasi - pushing him around and says that he thinks it's just a lipoma and I agree, but given my history and since I have been freaking out - I just want Quasi off my back.  He said "Well, you know - it's small and we could just watch and wait".  I am not of the 'watch and wait' mentality anymore.  I told him that I am more self conscious of the lump than my scar - I like my scar - I wear it as a badge of honor.  This lump is mucking my badge up...get that shit off of me!  Dr. mentions that he's in Club Melanoma, too, and completely understands why I am there and why I want it out/off of me.  His was caught super early, on his scalp he had a divot - about the size of a quarter.  That was it, that was all that was needed.  I'm glad I had a club member working on me.

So, we're off to the races.  He numbs me up and we get going.  I have never been awake, other than the skin/mole biopsies, while someone is cutting into me.  Oh,  My.  God.  SO fucking weird....Sooooo fucking weird.  Quasi was basically stuck to my muscle.  He loooooved it there.  The Dr. was tugging on Quasi and he did NOT want to let go.  I can't describe it.  You're numbed it, but you can feel an internal tug - then he started cutting and I could feel that.  More numbing stuff - numb me the fuck up - this is weird...

We're talking while he's evicting Quasi which is nice....weird, but calming.  I am trembling and sweating - just because it's such a bizarre experience.  I mention to the Dr. that the other day I was on the Melanoma Research Foundation's website looking for a support group in O.C. because I've been freaking out that much and the first person's bio that I read is someone that had an identical situation - someone with a history of Melanoma and two years later they had a lump near their scar - to which the Dr's thought it was a lipoma.  It was removed and it was that asshole Melanoma in disguise.  I told him that it shot me WAY deep to the dark side and I've been a mess since.   He reassured me that he sees nothing weird in Quasi.  Quasi is just a lipoma....but will be sent to pathology just in case.

We finish up - I get dressed and I ask the nurse if it's o-kay that I take a picture of the bloody instruments used.  "Go for it!  Do you want to take a picture of the lipoma, too?"

Heck yes I do!  Tony took a gnarly one, I wont share it here because seriously, it's gross.  And that's coming from me - I love gross shit - his photo is disgusting.  

And this is my back at the moment.  I can't take off this gauze covered in plastic tape until Saturday.  The Dr. put up his fingers and gauged out about 2-3 inches.  I laughed and said "That's child's play!" - kidding, I said that the bikers are going to think I am SO awesome (true story, I had a biker tell me at the store a few weeks ago "Awesome scar!" - I replied: "Thanks!  Cancer!").  

Dr. mentioned that my muscle was still a little 'thick' - not sure what the hell that means, but at least it's chubby buddy is GONZO!  I am stoked.  I will love my new pirate pizzazz.  And I will try not to worry about the results - I get them in about a week.  

Good thoughts that Quasi was just a lipoma.  Repeat - Quasi was just a lipoma.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

With tomorrow's appointment looming on the horizon, today has been a touch rough.  There is a website that I check out when need a giggle and one of the several collages containing several pictures that they frequently post is called "Don't Worry, Be Happy".  It's all inspirational type images - of course, I clicked - as today I need that today.  Badly.

Here are a couple of the pictures that were shared and in a small moment in time, I felt like these were put there just for me.

It is what it is

You know, I just recently realized that I take for granted the good days that I have.  They can sometimes last a week...a month or longer and I completely take them for granted.  I am going to squeal like a little school girl the day that they return.

This stupid g-damn lump on my back threw me for a fucking tailspin.  I am sure that it's nothing - I am actually almost 98% positive that it's a lipoma - but it's the other 2% that thinks it's larger, bigger and more important than the 98%.  That measly 2% is a bully...and I wish I could kick it's teeth in.  "Bite the curb you stupid, little 2% piece of shit!" ~ that's what I wish the other 98% would say....but it's not.

So, Moody McBunzy has returned fully.  I'm sure some of you have read in previous posts that the hubs calls me "Bunzer" or "Bunzy" - it's my nickname - along with "Hams" and "Lovebird".  The first three are because of my white-girl ghetto booty.  The last nickname is because, in all honestly, I can be adorably sweet...during the good days.  Definitely not during the bad days.  Bad days mean that I shrink into a hole - a non-communicative hole.  I've cried the last two nights.  Probably because I'm not sleeping, that clearly doesn't help matters at all.

I used to only go to the doctor when I was bleeding from places that I shouldn't be bleeding from.  Literally - or unless I was coughing up green crap for longer than a week.  That was it!  Now, EVERYTHING from random joint pain, random headaches, random bruising, random lumps and bumps and random other pain (such as currently my right outer ear which is totally bizarre) is a potential doctor's appointment for the very near future.  Not to mention whenever one of the aforementioned idiocies happen what is the first thing in my mind?  Melanoma.  Is that a way to live??  No - no, it's not.  Is that now what is known as my life??  Yes - yes, it is.  And it fucking sucks.

I was telling the hubs the other night that this is all SO weird for me.  It's been a year and half and Cancer is not good for someone that doesn't deal well with emotions.  The only emotions that I know are happiness and anger - I work with them just fine - two ends of the spectrum keeping everything balanced.  Toss fear into the mix and it throws everything off balance.  It's fucking stupid!!  See, there I go, trying to turn the fear into anger...trying to turn it into something that I can understand.  All anger and no fear make Bunzy a weird girl.  That 'Shinning' quote re-make doesn't really work, does it?

I'm not writing this to complain...just venting...which I guess are the same thing, but whatever - I'm venting.  I know things can always be worse.  I know that I need to look ahead for better days.  I'm just tired and needed this off of my chest (ahem, back).  My doctor's appointment with new Dr. Surgeon is coming up next week - next Thursday to be exact.  I am SO anxious.  I am anticipating the lack of sleep not getting any better until then...but, it is what it is.  Right?  Right.  

Another not lovely lady lump...

So…I haven’t written in a while and realized that’s because everything is peachy.  Everything really has been just super and awesome.  But, now I have something to write about.  It’s not super and it’s definitely not awesome.

Last weekend the hubs and I went over to his mom’s house and she was showing us her xbox Kinects, which I totally want now.  It basically SEEs you – it really watches your movements so you get accurate, real time game playing (insert government conspiracy theory here).  Anyways, we played ‘Fruit Ninja’ and you use your arms (and also legs like I was trying to do) and judo-chop your way through the game.  Seeing that I don’t use my judo chopping abilities on a day-to-day basis, I was SO sore the next day. 

The hubs, being the amazing hubs that he is, asked if I wanted a back rub which lately I've been declining these offers because they just don’t feel good anymore over my back because of my scar area.  However, with the soreness adding up, I agreed.  As he is rubbing my back, he exclaims “Jeez honey, you have a HUGE lump on your back”.  He’s rubbing over it and I am able to contort myself enough to feel it, it’s not a knot.  It’s a lump.  A large lump. 

I don’t think really anything of it for the rest of the day, but after getting out of the shower that night I decided to have a peek.  I didn't see anything upon the initial review, then I arched my back and gasped when I saw it because I wasn't expecting it to be that large.  I took a picture of it this morning and I emailed it to the two doctors that I've seen at Kaiser (general doc & dermatologist).  I am getting SUPER antsy. 

It's not hard, it doesn't hurt and it's about an inch under the bottom of my scar (on the left side of my body).  No clue how long it's been there.  Is this common?  Yes and no.  Yes because it could be a Lipoma, which is just a collection of fatty tissue and totally benign. Although, Melanoma likes to mimic Lipomas...and they can be mimicked close to your primary melanoma (hence my concern).  Some people can get a local recurrence because basically that's where the cancer cells know where to go, they've already hung out there before.  

Another concern, because it's near my spine, is the last 2 months I've had sciatic pain that I've never had before.  Sometimes it's so strong that I have to stop walking and just stand there like a weirdo.  Also, my left leg tends to fall asleep more than I can remember it doing before, too.  Other than that, I haven't had any other issues with it - except for last night, but that's just because I was aware of it.

Trying not to panic....  Trying to remain calm until Kaiser calls me back.  Trying to keep good thoughts.  So, since I am trying to keep good thoughts - keep good thoughts for me, yes?