Friday, November 13, 2015

Scan-erday... Kaiser...I think it was the 24th of October...
Sorry, whenever I hear the day/word Saturday (or 'Scan-erday in this scenario), I have to finish it in my head with "in the park".  You know, the 'Chicago' song?  Anyways.

I envy people that get cancer and say that it was the best thing to ever happen to them.  I need to board that damn train...  Does it ever stop in crazy-town? 

So, I had my pelvic and abdominal scan a few weeks ago.  Turns out, I am "fine".  To which I respond.... please define "fine"?  My koo-koo bananas brain would like to think otherwise.  There is nothing wrong with me - well - nothing with my intestines, no tumor, nothing going on with the lymph nodes in my groin, no crazy inflammation that they could see in my small and large intestine.  The only thing mildly weird was that my bladder was 'deflated' and had 'diffuse wall thickening'.  The Gastro-nurse said that it was "normal, but if you wanted to pursue this with your primary care doctor then you can."  Why tell me that if it's "normal"?  Why leave the light on at the end of the tunnel for my curiosity to think - hmmm, what IS that down there?

Google tells me that 'diffuse wall thickening' is sort of inflammation not tied to one spot and could be caused by a few things.  It could be due to an inflammatory disease (why, hello my dear friend, Ulcerative Colitis), although when it involves the bladder it tends to be Crohn's if it's within the Inflammatory Bowel Disease family.  Another thing I read is that endometriosis could cause the bladder wall to 'thicken' or become inflamed. Endometritosis, while not life threatening in any sense, is super painful, annoying and can only be removed with a doctor surgically scrapping shit off from the outside of your insides...does that make sense?  My primary care mentioned this may be the culprit months ago, but I karate blocked that and my assumptions went straight Ulcerative Colitis Avenue, then took a sharp right turn to Melanoma Way.

But you know what?  I'm really tired of looking for answers of why I feel this way. Yes, I'd love an answer, but I am tired of being told it's nothing.  There is no consolation with 'nothing'.  So, I'm getting to the point where I am surrendering.  I'm holding the white flag at my side - not quite ready to hold up it without regard, but I'm holding that flag with a firm grip.  I am sick and tired of pondering over something that may or may not be there.  The nurse that I saw last, as I was crying to her telling her that I am worried that Melanoma had spread to my bowels, she looked me dead in the eye and said "And there would be nothing you could do to stop it".  Her words resonated.

Even though I am slowly inching towards the idea that my brain is causing physical symptoms, I'm not quite allowing "IBS" settle into my rented space because...well, I just don't fucking want to.