Daydreams

I daydream of better days ahead.  Secretly, most of the daydreams are of my husband screaming out that we've won the lottery.  Oh, that one holds a dear, dear place to my heart.  I LOVE that daydream, it's my fave!  I've already cashed and spent some of the money in those daydreams.  First and foremost, the hubs and I would pay off our mother's homes.

Secondly, more than likely the exact next day, we'd go to an RV center and purchase our "coach"....or do people call it a "rig"??  Anyways, we'd buy ourselves a nice little house on wheels and see our extremely beautiful country, one state and National Park at a time while waking up to big, glorious trees and the smell of burnt firewood from the previous night.  Exhale....  My fingers are at a loss for words, that seriously sounds ah-maze-ing!

We have a HUGE map of America in our den with pins placed in super strategic areas:

• Blue pins: Museums 
• Green pins: National Parks
• Red pins: Houses of family/friends
• White pins:  Baseball fields that we'd like to check out
• Yellow pins:  Points of interest such as the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and New Orleans. 

The hubs and I already planned out our cross-country voyage right after the whole "big Casino" rushing into our lives - even though initially to me it wasn't all that bad (and then I read statistics about Melanoma and other shit....and then I changed my mind and came to the realization that basically any "big C" diagnosis is completely crappy).  We had always talked about doing this when we retire, however things took a slight turn.  Melanoma is so unpredictable...as is every cancer...not to mention everyday life.  What better time than the present. Then both of us out of work kind of threw an annoyingly giant wrench into seeing America.

I will always have the lotto daydream and I still keep the giant map up to remind me that bigger things are always ahead.  We just have to take the leap.  But one step at a time...first step: jobs.   

Failed friends

It's funny that when all of this bullshit starts, people warn you that some friends will fail.  You never know when it will be and, of course, you never knew who it will be.

I went to ONE support group.  It was really nice, really comforting.  The women were great; an amazing group of women that have dealt with a shit load in their lives. A lot of them mentioned that they've lost friends, some lost family...others lost their husbands.  I'm not talking about death, though in some instances I would be correct, I'm talking about people that are still living that are no longer in their life.  Personally, I've already had a handful of people fall off the Amber tree, which is fine - it's what they wanted - I guess we were never friends to begin with.  But when it happens to someone you've basically known your whole life...it kinda sucks.  O-kay, it REALLY sucks.  

Less than two hours ago, I pretty much had to break it off with my best friend...or at least who I thought was my best friend.  I feel safe writing about it because I know she hasn't liked my page or probably even read my blog. I hate to admit it, but maybe we weren't friends, either? :(  Ohhhh, this makes me SO sad!!!  I'm totally crying writing this :(

I am so thankful that I have a strong support group where I really need them to be...my backbone.  My husband is always there for me, picking me up when I am down - letting me know that I am always awesome.  My parents are great, too.  I break down on the phone with them even when I didn't feel a cry coming on.  My dad knows what's up, he's been here before.  It's nice to be able to ask about things - even though he's an uber-macho-man, but I know deep down he's uber-sensitive (yes, dad - I just wrote that about YOU!)   :)

In that one support group, this woman that has indelibly made an impression on me, she said that my vocabulary has changed and only a select few will understand it: (1) People that understand because their vocabulary has changed due to cancer and (2) people that truly love you that are willing to change their vocabulary to understand you.

I guess it makes you shine a light on the situation; what kind of people do you have in your circle?  What kind of people do you WANT in your circle?  I guess this all just weeded out who would really be there.  I am absolutely stoked with the handful that I have. I love you all, and you know who you are :)

Pass the Parasol!

I think it was around June when I first extended a hand to fellow Mela-homies and I got into contact with someone that I wish was closer (I wish all of us were closer; I wish we could all hug each other when needed).  This one is special, I feel like I know her and I know that we'd be super close friends if we lived in the same state. Her name is Julie and she's got a good thing going - check it out on her FB page: Cloudy with a chance of Melanoma.

She started this campaign called 'Pass the Parasol'.  It's a campaign that is sort of sponsored by Brelli; Julie teamed up with Brelli to help spread the word....and also spread a couple of beautiful parasols. They are UV protected and not only shield you from the sun, they protect against rain, too!  A multipurpose, gorgeous umbrella and 5% of ALL proceeds are donated to Melanoma research. I felt honored to be included in the campaign and hold the same parasol that was held by Julie and that will be held by many, many of our Mela-homies!

Here are a couple of photos that the hubs took of me and the "gorge-brelli" (aka: Gorgeous Brelli)  :)

My writing on the Brelli - I hope that all of us get a chance to write a little bit of ourselves

I like this one because you can see mirrored on my back "Cloudy" (Cloudy with a chance of Melanoma) and "Pass" (Pass the Parasol)

In the sun & rain, Brelli is your friend

Showing where I wrote and a little bit of rock....or duck face, but I like to think it's my rock face.

Discouraging

dis·cour·ag·ing  adj 
Causing loss of hope or enthusiasm: making somebody feel less motivation, confidence, or optimism about something 

This word pretty much describes life at the moment.  Hey, don't get worried, I still LOVE laughing and I still get joys out of life‘s little, beautiful moments…but things are kinda rough right now.  I guess I forgot how hard it is to be out of work.

Initially I tried to use this time to relax for once.  That didn’t really happen because within the first week I got a weird ‘stress-rash’ on my abdomen which is either rosacea or psoriasis and super cool thing is there isn’t anything that can be done to make them go away other than UV light. They go away when they feel that their job is done…and the unfortunate thing is they are totally working overtime.

I wish I was the one working overtime.

Prior to now, the last time I was out of work was in 2007.  I was a loan processor and the market basically crashed hardcore.  Everything was changing, we were pulling files on an hourly basis because guidelines had changed with rates, loan amounts, credit scores - the main structure of a loan was rewritten and we had to pull those that no longer qualified.  It was terribly stressful on everyone involved, including the borrowers.  Entire departments were cut and I was one of the handful of processors that were let go.

I went to a temp agency the first day that I was off and was basically told that I wouldn’t be hired anywhere because I had “mortgage” on my resume.  She didn’t even put me in the system; she said that her clients were specifically requesting non-mortgage applicants.  I thought she was exaggerating.  She wasn't...  That was the hardest time trying to find a job.  Until now.

There have been SO many jobs I’ve applied to where my experience was a perfect match to the job description.  It’s so discouraging.  Everyday the job hunt is a complete discouragement.  I can’t help but wonder if employers are “googling” my name, finding this very blog and it’s hindering my progress.  I hope they can see the 'real' me.  Not just the girl that writes about Cancer...or even worse they only see a girl "with" cancer. This blog was meant to help get things off my chest with high hopes of reaching and helping others that are going through a similar situation; I never thought that it would impose a risk in getting a job.

A funny thing happened this morning, I got on the computer this morning and within 10 minutes on the hunt the power turned off.  It’s not like a breaker issue, it was an its-going-to-take-7-hours issue (I looked it up on Edison‘s site from my phone - Boooo!!!).  I took that as a sign to go for a walk, so that’s exactly what I did, I walked away from discouragement.

**By the way, it's soooooo boring being out of work and no electricity until 6pm!