This sucks. I read to my husband what I write and I can hear myself….only writing about Melanoma. Well, I suppose that makes sense seeing that the title of my silly blog is ‘Holy Moly, Melanomy’. I also suppose it makes sense that I've only had surgery a short 3 ½ months ago. Wow. When I think of it that way, it’s only been a very short 3 ½ ago. It's very, very fresh. I’m a newborn in this weird fog.
I don’t like this fog. I hate it. I like being able to see. To see my life. To see my husband‘s happy face. To see me, being happy with everything.
This is lame. Complete lame-sauce.
How do I get out of this fog? A super thick, fear inducing fog? I don’t know… I can’t see any exit signs, and that scares me. I don’t want to be scared. I don’t like being scared.
I remember at times when I was at home sick from school and my mom had to work - I’d play this made-up game that I called “ten things”. This may sound strange to some of you. When I was home alone and felt scared or I heard a noise that made me feel like someone was breaking in, I’d look around in whatever room I was in and look for 10 things that I could possibly fatally wound someone with. Yes, I just wrote “fatally wound“.
The way that I could 'pass a level' in my ten things game would be if I could find those 10 fatal objects, then I could move on to the next room. This was the way that I would get my mind off that evil mailman - which would scare me by making noise outside my house and would turn my dog into a bloodthirsty crazed wolf. That room could be the kitchen - duh, super easy. The bathroom was especially hard; what to do with a loofa, shower gel and a shower curtain? Believe me, I’ve figured it out. I have several potential weapons in every room. With this game, I found courage.
Why don’t I have a weapon to battle my thoughts? I found courage by looking around my house - thinking of 409, candle holders, toilet plungers and records as weapons. Why don't I have that same courage by looking inside myself? Where is that same warrior in me? She’s in there, along with all that raw courage, why can’t I find her again?
You will, once the dust starts to settle. In retrospect it's been a very short time but in current life it seems like an eternity since you've been dealt the blow, I get it I'm a bit of a "newborn" as well seeing as how I'm only 14 months post dx and has I type you I sit with a new lump in my armpit. Does it freak me out, yep. Is it controlling my every thought, not like it would have even just 6 months ago. However, I'm sure I will blow my lid shortly ;) It's a process buttercup, and every day is a challenge, but we are here, today. And tomorrow is a new day. <3
ReplyDeleteDude, I get it with the lump scare. I had one in my right armpit one day - then it went away. I haven't had the same luck with one on the back of my neck. It's been there for almost two weeks and I've forced myself into thinking that it's always been there...even though I subconsciously know it hasn't. I have a call into the derm for my funky "rash" on my stomach that isn't going away and I will ask him who to see about my neck. Let me know what happens with your arm? :)
DeleteI sure will! Hoping it's just an infected sweat gland, seeing as how I'm essentially a dude in a chick's body..not the operation type, but the I sweat like a man, belch like a man, think like a man, far...you get the jist. For sure get the neck checked out, I'm going to my gyno for my armpit lol..I didn't know who else and they do breast exams so I signed up to get felt up. I got dx with perioral dermatitis after the melanoma, kinda funny how when our skin tries to kill us the annoyances of rashes follows suit ha!
ReplyDeleteHa! I get that, too. I didn't even wear a skirt until I was 14 - once I realized that boys thought of me as another one of their own. And I sweat, cuss, burp and drive like a dude :)
DeleteI don't know about what doctors to go to either :( I avoided them like the plague less than 6 months ago.
It's an infecttion!! Thank you Jesus for nasty infections today! So I'm on an antibiotic, hopefully that will zap it and if not then I have to have it lanced and drained. See upside to Melanoma, never, I mean never in a million years would I have been thankful for a boil a year ago. I've never had one before so this is a treat given the alternative. And I'm in early menopause to boot ;) Yay 35!! Hahahahaha. Chin up buttercup dominate the melanoma don't let it dominate you..I know, I know, I'm still working on following my own advice ;)
ReplyDeleteWow - we're becoming more and more alike. Do you have issues with your intestines?? :) I had boils growing up and those little buttholes are NASTY!
DeleteOh! And I forgot to say AWESOME ON THE INFECTION! I'm sure this is a big treat given that alternative, too! :)
DeleteFunny you should say..yes I do, I have IBS and it is BS! Stupid guts!
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