Allow me to preface this...Kaiser does shit weird...at least in the colonoscopy world.
My prep day was this last Sunday and the directions had me starting to drink the go-go juice at 6pm - and then drink 3 of the 4 liters over 3-4 hours. And yes, you read that right, 4 liters (that's more than 1 gallon, kiddos). I decided that the directions were stupid and I started earlier because I didn't want to be up all fucking night in the damn bathroom. Besides, I had to wake up at 5am the morning of and finish the final liter of gag inducing, salt water. Shhh...don't tell anyone, I couldn't finish the whole thing. My body was literally rejecting it. Here is a photo of the amount that I drank on Sunday night, basically 2 liters. The bottle/container/receptacle was larger than my big ass head.
Momma comes and picks me up on Monday and we get to Kaiser. I don't even have time to sit down before the nurse is calling my name to go back to the temple of doom. All hooked up, I get wheeled back into the procedure room and the nurse administers my sleepy-stuff. I feel a slight burn and then immediately my throat is super itchy; she warns of this. I get really sleepy, almost like I've taken two Tylenol PMs....or maybe one PM plus a muscle relaxer. Am I asleep at this point? No, just super, duper relaxed and tired. I hear the doctor say "I'm going to proceed with the rectal exam", and I respond with "I'm not ASLEEEEEP!" The all caps part is because as the words 'I'm not' leave my lips, I feel his fingers in my extremely sore bum and I yell out 'ASLEEP', followed by "Jesus Christ, man, I'm not asleep yet! What the fuck!?" He chirps to a nurse to give me more medication. Thank you, you're too kind.
Next thing I know, I am feeling the fucking colonoscope. No, the doctor didn't hand it to me so I could feel it with my little, petite fingers. No, I am not feeling it against my naked leg. I'm feeling that bastard inside me. I feel it, oh - I don't know - I'd assume about 6 inches or so in me? It could have been 2 inches or it could have been 12 - it's all the same when your insides are sore. All the while I am trying to squirm but I can't move too much because I am doped up on meds and yelling out that I am not asleep yet. The doctor huffs and mutters "I can't do this" - as if I am putting him out. Bitch, hand me that scope, bend over, see how you like it. Well, that's after I sleep off these meds...
I awaken to murmuring voices and I'm a little confused, thinking "Did I leave the TV on? Wait, where the hell am I?" Then I remember the recent violation of my bum. I also vaguely remember seeing a nurses face hover above mine as she tells me that I need to come back tomorrow to be completely anesthetized.
Joy. I have to not eat again. I have to take massive amounts of laxatives again. Joy. So, I spend my dad's birthday in the bathroom. I did take a short break to release two helium balloons with the hubs from our porch. The teary birthday speech didn't last long, because I had to go - literally.
Tuesday's procedure went much easier. I had a different doctor, who I really liked - he was much more personable and I am going to see if I can keep him. Ha! Kind of sounds like "Hey mom - I found this lost doctor - can we keep him? Pleeeeaassseee??" I was given the medication and once again, I heard "I'm going to proceed with the rectal exam". While the seconds are ticking down before I am completely knocked out, I slur "Oh no, please not that". You know what he did? He stopped. The dude stopped and said, "Okay, I'll wait". I close my eyes and allow my body to accept the sleep.
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