Thursday, September 25, 2014

The fat's in the wrong spot, Dr....

Well folks, I had a nice surprise today at the doctor's office.  As I mentioned, I was anticipating a discussion of options about the lump on my back.  Maybe a scan, maybe a biopsy - I wasn't anticipating the....dun.dun.duuuuun:  Surgery.  Removal.  Complete excision.  Not today, I was expecting it a week or two down the line.

Me and the hubs walk into the room and there is a fully dressed surgery table, the light is already on - surgery tools standing by on deck waiting to be put in the game.  I said to the nurse "wait a second, THIS is happening today - right now?"  She giggled and confirmed.  I sat down and turned to the hubs and mentioned that at least I wont have to freak out for another week or two until the actual date comes around.

I throw on my luxurious gown, which was WAY nicer than the last (big) surgery one that was paper and lined with plastic.  Of course, it's a photo op.  It's always a photo op with me and the hubs.  Yesterday we tried out this new sammy place (Firehouse Subs) and he got a kiddo meal and they give you this little, teeny plastic fireman's hat - to which I wore for unknown reasons.  What happens - he whips out and takes pictures.

Anyways - Dr. walks in and is like "Um, I'm not sure why you're here - your pathology report from Nurse Moreno just shows a standard Nevi".  Nevi is 'mole' in Dr. talk.  I had a mole removed from my left underboob that was ugly and depending on my bra would sometimes get clipped - I wanted it gone.  Literally like 5 days later is when the hubs found the lump on my back.  So, I explained that's SO not the reason why I was there and arched my back - the hubs quickly moving my my luxurious gown out of the way and pointing out the lump.  I should have named that bastard ....hmmm..... Quasimodo - I LOVE IT!!  That's suiting, yes??

Dr. begins examining Quasi - pushing him around and says that he thinks it's just a lipoma and I agree, but given my history and since I have been freaking out - I just want Quasi off my back.  He said "Well, you know - it's small and we could just watch and wait".  I am not of the 'watch and wait' mentality anymore.  I told him that I am more self conscious of the lump than my scar - I like my scar - I wear it as a badge of honor.  This lump is mucking my badge up...get that shit off of me!  Dr. mentions that he's in Club Melanoma, too, and completely understands why I am there and why I want it out/off of me.  His was caught super early, on his scalp he had a divot - about the size of a quarter.  That was it, that was all that was needed.  I'm glad I had a club member working on me.

So, we're off to the races.  He numbs me up and we get going.  I have never been awake, other than the skin/mole biopsies, while someone is cutting into me.  Oh,  My.  God.  SO fucking weird....Sooooo fucking weird.  Quasi was basically stuck to my muscle.  He loooooved it there.  The Dr. was tugging on Quasi and he did NOT want to let go.  I can't describe it.  You're numbed it, but you can feel an internal tug - then he started cutting and I could feel that.  More numbing stuff - numb me the fuck up - this is weird...

We're talking while he's evicting Quasi which is nice....weird, but calming.  I am trembling and sweating - just because it's such a bizarre experience.  I mention to the Dr. that the other day I was on the Melanoma Research Foundation's website looking for a support group in O.C. because I've been freaking out that much and the first person's bio that I read is someone that had an identical situation - someone with a history of Melanoma and two years later they had a lump near their scar - to which the Dr's thought it was a lipoma.  It was removed and it was that asshole Melanoma in disguise.  I told him that it shot me WAY deep to the dark side and I've been a mess since.   He reassured me that he sees nothing weird in Quasi.  Quasi is just a lipoma....but will be sent to pathology just in case.

We finish up - I get dressed and I ask the nurse if it's o-kay that I take a picture of the bloody instruments used.  "Go for it!  Do you want to take a picture of the lipoma, too?"

Heck yes I do!  Tony took a gnarly one, I wont share it here because seriously, it's gross.  And that's coming from me - I love gross shit - his photo is disgusting.  

And this is my back at the moment.  I can't take off this gauze covered in plastic tape until Saturday.  The Dr. put up his fingers and gauged out about 2-3 inches.  I laughed and said "That's child's play!" - kidding, I said that the bikers are going to think I am SO awesome (true story, I had a biker tell me at the store a few weeks ago "Awesome scar!" - I replied: "Thanks!  Cancer!").  
Dr. mentioned that my muscle was still a little 'thick' - not sure what the hell that means, but at least it's chubby buddy is GONZO!  I am stoked.  I will love my new pirate pizzazz.  And I will try not to worry about the results - I get them in about a week.  

Good thoughts that Quasi was just a lipoma.  Repeat - Quasi was just a lipoma.

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