You know, I just recently realized that I take for granted the good days that I have. They can sometimes last a week...a month or longer and I completely take them for granted. I am going to squeal like a little school girl the day that they return.
This stupid g-damn lump on my back threw me for a fucking tailspin. I am sure that it's nothing - I am actually almost 98% positive that it's a lipoma - but it's the other 2% that thinks it's larger, bigger and more important than the 98%. That measly 2% is a bully...and I wish I could kick it's teeth in. "Bite the curb you stupid, little 2% piece of shit!" ~ that's what I wish the other 98% would say....but it's not.
So, Moody McBunzy has returned fully. I'm sure some of you have read in previous posts that the hubs calls me "Bunzer" or "Bunzy" - it's my nickname - along with "Hams" and "Lovebird". The first three are because of my white-girl ghetto booty. The last nickname is because, in all honestly, I can be adorably sweet...during the good days. Definitely not during the bad days. Bad days mean that I shrink into a hole - a non-communicative hole. I've cried the last two nights. Probably because I'm not sleeping, that clearly doesn't help matters at all.
I used to only go to the doctor when I was bleeding from places that I shouldn't be bleeding from. Literally - or unless I was coughing up green crap for longer than a week. That was it! Now, EVERYTHING from random joint pain, random headaches, random bruising, random lumps and bumps and random other pain (such as currently my right outer ear which is totally bizarre) is a potential doctor's appointment for the very near future. Not to mention whenever one of the aforementioned idiocies happen what is the first thing in my mind? Melanoma. Is that a way to live?? No - no, it's not. Is that now what is known as my life?? Yes - yes, it is. And it fucking sucks.
I was telling the hubs the other night that this is all SO weird for me. It's been a year and half and Cancer is not good for someone that doesn't deal well with emotions. The only emotions that I know are happiness and anger - I work with them just fine - two ends of the spectrum keeping everything balanced. Toss fear into the mix and it throws everything off balance. It's fucking stupid!! See, there I go, trying to turn the fear into anger...trying to turn it into something that I can understand. All anger and no fear make Bunzy a weird girl. That 'Shinning' quote re-make doesn't really work, does it?
I'm not writing this to complain...just venting...which I guess are the same thing, but whatever - I'm venting. I know things can always be worse. I know that I need to look ahead for better days. I'm just tired and needed this off of my chest (ahem, back). My doctor's appointment with new Dr. Surgeon is coming up next week - next Thursday to be exact. I am SO anxious. I am anticipating the lack of sleep not getting any better until then...but, it is what it is. Right? Right.