The other night I was sitting on the couch with my left arm bent high behind my head, my ring finger running over the top of my scar. I was doing it almost subconsciously - not that I do that a lot. I wasn't thinking about Melanoma. I wasn't thinking about the scar; I was just ever so slightly touching it. For some reason, in that moment I was completely comforted.
Scar tissue is strange, isn't it? It's healed, but yet still there. I guess in a way this whole situation with Melanoma is like a scar. Physical scars...emotional scars. What's the difference? Even though you're "healed", it's always there. It never goes away.
The last few months I have mentally been doing really well. Really, really well. I feel almost like nothing ever happened; what I mean is I feel like the "old" me. Not a care in the world! It took me a LONG time to get here. The first few months were really rough. Really, really rough. I took a turn to crazy town and I showed my "certifiable" driver's license to get there. I felt like the doctors missed things, they weren't doing the right tests, there's no way that I was given a golden ticket and of course the doctors were just flat out wrong. I was completely obsessing.
But, like I said - I am back to normal! I actually wasn't really thinking of Melanoma much. Yes, I would see things on Facebook as I 'like' several Melanoma pages. I would see other warrior's blog postings (which I always love). I would see updates on new treatments for Melanoma (which I always love). But, that was about it. I am back to normal! Or at least I thought I was...
The last couple of weeks though I have backtracked. I know it's stress; lately I've been just so stressed out. My intestines started acting up and good lord, that just zaps me of everything positive. Since I've been zapped of all the positive juice that I've been collecting over the last 5-6 months, my mind has again gone to the dark side. I'm tearing up writing this because I felt so great being the good 'ol me - it felt good not worrying about every single stupid fucking pain.
I know the pain is from the colitis, but its hurting in places that it has never hurt before and then my WebMD induced brain starts in: "Well, Amber, if it hasn't hurt there before it's because your Melanoma decided to pay it a visit". I don't like the WebMD in me, even though I kind of wish that every other MD that I've seen would have some sort of worry in them like I have. Another shitty thing with colitis is that it mirrors things that would normally peak doctor's curiosity towards further testing: fever, weight loss and sorta high white blood cell count being the main players. Oh, no big deal....it's just colitis.
Anyways. That's about it. I'm still trying to get used to things... I guess it would be weird if I was completely back to normal in a year, right? I am so over being a zombie to cancer.... And I hate using that word (if you think about it I always use "Melanoma"). But I'm sick of it. I am sick of CANCER! ugh.
i'm getting near the 3 year mark of finding out about my cancer, somewhere in that time frame i came to accept that it would be a part of me, i no longer fight it, don't care about it, i follow all the treatments and take all the meds but all the worry and negative thoughts i've been able to put in the back of my mind for the most part, just by accepting the fact its there , and knowing that it will not get my spirit, or my soul
ReplyDeleteAnd that's where I was...that's where I'd like to be. It's a nice place, isn't it? I haven't been sleeping well (like usual) and I know that makes my mind do stupid things. As does stress. I hate worrying, but apparently it's something that I do well! :)
DeleteAmber...maybe it's time to get some anti anxiety meds? I too am a worrier & although I am I still very good at it, I take meds at night so I can get some sleep.
ReplyDeleteLove you...
Yeah, maybe I should do that. I was given a couple valiums by someone and those were the only thing that would knock me out when I was super stressed. One night I didn't sleep at all and Tony forced me to take one and I passed out around 7am until about 3. It was lovely! :)
Deletefirst of all i agree with K .Brown above see your doctor .... i have no idea how or when my acceptance of cancer came , maybe its no more than the cancer gets to be old news, i just want you to know it will come to you as well....it is a nice place and i would recommend that you along with seeking out your doctor take time every day just for you so you can visit that nice place with all posiitve thoughts, you deserve it..... good luck I'll follow your posts
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
DeleteAfter 1 year of having my surgery - every day I wake up wondering if this is the day that I will start throwing up, have diarreah or find a new lump. I want so bad to free of this fear- to wake up and go through each day as a "normal" person that doesn't have anxiety, stomach fear and weird bowel movements. I understand your frustration and when I start to feel normal- the fear rushes back in it's old form. I'm tired of the fighting the beast.
ReplyDeleteUgh, tell me about it! Unfortunately, this is our new normal regardless if we like it or not. The one thing we need to do is manage it and be able to tell the little voice to shut up when it needs to :) A little fear is good - it lets us know that we're not ready to quit.
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