Thursday, October 22, 2015

Pain is a pain, you know what I'm sayin'? [part one]

There has been lots going on over the last few months.  I started writing a post about it back in July - but it ended up being a super long and drawn-out...which this may totally be, too.  In a way to hide that this is going to be an excessive post, I am going to chop it into two!  I am sooo tricky!

Basically, I've been having pain in my lower abdomen for years now.  Two to be exact.  I have always assumed it was due to my Ulcerative Colitis.  After having bummer exam numero 3 (or more appropriately numbered 3.5), I am told my large intestine is looking great.  I am actually shocked to see the images because it's SO not what I was expecting.  I expected lots of ulcers, lots of inflammation, lots of something...definitely not lots of beautifully pink insides. 

Exactly one week later after the colonoscopy, I am back sitting on an exam table at Kaiser because something doesn't feel right.  If it's not the U.C., what the fuck is causing the pain?  I am popping Extra Strength Tylenol like candy (which those don't even work that well - I am not "supposed" to take anything else).  The pain is primarily in my lower right abdomen, sometimes it radiates around my entire midsection, every now and then it's a sharp, stabbing pain...every day it's a dull ache to crampy.  So, then it's got to be my internal female bits, right? 

I have a lovely PAP done...which I hate.  Hate like loathe, hate them.  One of my previous docs said that trying to find my cervix is like going on a roller coaster ride.  Not cool when the car is the speculum and the track is my who-ha!  She tests for all kinds of gnarly things which means extra weird looking swabs attacking my cervix.  My tests come back stellar, which I completely anticipated because my girl is all good.  Then the next logical step, per my doctor, is to make an appointment for an ultrasound.  This isn't the typical preggo type ultrasound though, this is to take a look at the female bits from the outside AND the inside.  The probe (that I nicknamed Slim Wandy) is sheathed in a super-thin, narrow condom slathered in hospital grade lube...which is comical to say the least. Once Slim Wandy is inside, the nurse takes him on a guided tour of my uterus - and he finds nothing suspicious. There is nothing abnormal with ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus or bladder. 

About a month after the probing, I am again back at Kaiser.  I had an appointment scheduled for a few weeks later than this particular date, however a couple things happened that kind of startled me.  I bled.  Now, it wasn't like how I bled back in the day - but hey man, bleeding when you're not supposed to bleed, especially from a place that isn't meant to bleed, is terrifying!  I told the hubs if I bleed again then I will push my appointment sooner.  Well...the next morning the pain in my abdomen was so strong I could hardly stand up.  It was 7am and I was contemplating going to the hospital.  It eventually passed and didn't happen again the remainder of the day, so I called Kaiser first thing on Monday.  The rep I spoke to told me that I probably should have gone to the hospital and should definitely if it happens again.  Esh.

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