Lately my little, dumb-ass cancer blog has become a blog about dealing with my emotions surrounding sudden/accidental death. And I am totally fine with that.
As I sit here, my fingers tapping the letters on my keyboard, I am speechless. My fingers are wordless. So....how can I start this? I read the coroner's report today. Literally, my index fingers continue to tap the keys and nothing is coming to mind. Blank. I read the coroner's report today.
This report was something that I've personally been waiting on for months. I was hoping that it would give me a little more insight on what actually occurred to our dad. We know what someone else has told us based on their assumptions. We know what we assumed happened. We know what we saw after the fact. But no one really knows because he was all alone.
The problem is that the report didn't do what I was expecting. I was hoping that the report would seal at least a little of the closure gap that has been w-i-d-e open. It actually made his death a little more sad seeing/reading what happened to his body and he was all alone. His death has already been really fucking traumatic for all of us....but fuck, man - this report gives us an idea of what actually went down....excuse the pun.
I guess my expectations were a bit high. I shouldn't reach for the sun...even though it's so damn pretty. The one thing I appreciated with the report is, that several times, the pathologist referred to my father's organs as "glistening". I didn't necessarily need to know which bones broke in his fall, but knowing his organs were bright and shiny were a nice touch.
I love you John Doe #C02247-14