It's hard to talk about yourself, at least for me. It's especially hard to talk to someone that is a difficult listener, at least to me. It becomes harder to talk when you're scared. You don't want to sound scared, which is exactly what I am. You don't want to sound weird, which of course I totally am...but I like to think in a good way.
I've had this enlarged lymph node on the left side of the base of my head now for almost three weeks. Normal people probably wouldn't notice this, but for someone like me - someone now hyper-aware of her body - it's terrifying. It's even more terrifying when you feel like you can't mention anything about it. So what do I do? I turn to writing. I get this shit off of my chest. It's needed and I do it. Here it is:
I was scratching my head one day at work, it actually was the day before I was let go. I scratch my head a lot. It's itchy. It's annoying. It's annoyingly itchy. It was a Thursday afternoon and I feel this lump. It's not like a 'Black Eyed Peas' lump; definitely NOT a "lovely lady lump". It's a hard, creepy lump. A lump that I've never felt before.
Along with this strange rash that I have on my abdomen, now I have this weird lump. Awesome!
When the rash wasn't going away or really seemingly getting any better in a few days, the hubs told me to make an appointment with Dr. Dermatologist; so I did.
I had my appointment and I made mention of the lymph node to which Dr. Dermatologist responded immediately with "When are you seeing Dr. Surgeon again?" Dr. Surgeon is the Melanoma dude. That didn't make me feel any better... He wrote me a Rx for some antibiotics in hopes it would shrink my node and we scheduled an appointment for two weeks. Well, I've finished the antibiotics and it's still there. Still there; still the same size. I may be paranoid but I've felt another one right next to it.
Also another possible paranoia is the fact that my neck has been sore. Of course, it's more than likely psychosomatic. Or more like PSYCHO! But really, it's probs' stress. I don't have a job. I have a hard time talking. I'm freaking out about g-damn, stupid ass "skin" cancer - aka MELAFUCKINNOMA and I have a shit load of bills. Rent: super. Hospital bills: awesome. COBRA: even more super awesome. Not to mention the rest of the shit that we pay for. Oh, and it's been ah-maze-ing on me & the hub's relationship. He's basically downright sick of my shit. Just lovely...
So, anyways...here it is...me venting. I've got an angry lymph node, an angry husband and I am seeing Dr. Dermatologist again next Tuesday - I hope I can get re-enrolled by then. I was really expecting an unemployment check before I enrolled but it looks like that's not going to happen. My 'slogan': "Everything happens for a reason": It's getting a little hard to appreciate as of late.