Dear 16 year old me

There is a PSA made a while ago and it’s amazingly emotional, strong and it gets the message across in the best way possible - showing real people that have been affected.  You're not reading about them, you're SEEING and LISTENING to them.  I still see people on Facebook sharing it, as recently as this morning, and it makes me smile, all the while mentally reliving the first time I watched it.  I watched it at work during lunch one day and I had to stop it so I could go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out.  I dared not watch the rest of it….until the next day at home alone.  

Of course I stopped it the first time right smack in the middle; right in the heat of the emotional part.  The first time I watched this it was shortly after diagnosis and probably a week or two before my surgery.  I wasn't sleeping, I was literally a pasty ball of fear fueled emotions.  I still haven't shared it because I didn't want to prompt the same feelings in others.  What if they were having an awesome day and I just totally made them cry and ruined it?  Shit man, I don't want to do that.  But now I can watch this through a different light.

Hopefully this video works.  I've included the link, too, just in case :)  Please spend 5 minutes and watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM

What would you tell your 16 year old self? 

I would tell myself:

• Do not worry about what people think. 
• You need to open up more because people will never know the true YOU until you let go of insecurities (I used to be SUPER shy – took me waaay too long to figure this one out). 
• That one breakup will not end you even though you think it will, and you will be thankful that you went through it so you know what you DON’T want.
• That other breakup, you should have done it sooner…
• Yes, you find someone - an amazing man - with all of the things you DO want.
• You won’t get a boob job because you don’t need a boob job.  You will spend your saved money on a giant subwoofer and an annoying, loud ass muffler.  You were sooo fast and soooo furious. 
• There still aren’t any surgeries yet that will fix your eardrums because of said loud music you listened to.
• Don’t be afraid of doctors, they are there to help you.
• Don't be afraid of outcomes, they will shape you into who you are.

MAKE IT A GREAT DAY PEOPLE :)  GIVE AN HONEST SMILE TO A STRANGER TODAY. 

In a fog with a blog

This sucks.  I read to my husband what I write and I can hear myself….only writing about Melanoma.  Well, I suppose that makes sense seeing that the title of my silly blog is ‘Holy Moly, Melanomy’.  I also suppose it makes sense that I've only had surgery a short 3 ½ months ago.  Wow.  When I think of it that way, it’s only been a very short 3 ½ ago.  It's very, very fresh.  I’m a newborn in this weird fog.

I don’t like this fog.  I hate it.  I like being able to see.  To see my life.  To see my husband‘s happy face.  To see me, being happy with everything.

This is lame.  Complete lame-sauce.

How do I get out of this fog?  A super thick, fear inducing fog?  I don’t know…  I can’t see any exit signs, and that scares me.  I don’t want to be scared.  I don’t like being scared.

I remember at times when I was at home sick from school and my mom had to work - I’d play this made-up game that I called “ten things”.  This may sound strange to some of you.  When I was home alone and felt scared or I heard a noise that made me feel like someone was breaking in, I’d look around in whatever room I was in and look for 10 things that I could possibly fatally wound someone with.   Yes, I just wrote “fatally wound“.  

The way that I could 'pass a level' in my ten things game would be if I could find those 10 fatal objects, then I could move on to the next room.  This was the way that I would get my mind off that evil mailman - which would scare me by making noise outside my house and would turn my dog into a bloodthirsty crazed wolf.  That room could be the kitchen - duh, super easy.  The bathroom was especially hard; what to do with a loofa, shower gel and a shower curtain?  Believe me, I’ve figured it out.  I have several potential weapons in every room.  With this game, I found courage.

Why don’t I have a weapon to battle my thoughts?  I found courage by looking around my house - thinking of 409, candle holders, toilet plungers and records as weapons. Why don't I have that same courage by looking inside myself?  Where is that same warrior in me?  She’s in there, along with all that raw courage, why can’t I find her again?

Craptastic Sundae

Lately I’ve been feeling a little down on myself.  This stupid asshole of a cancer has affected all aspects of my life.  I've been trying to focus on trying to get back to normal, which is no easy task.  Even though I was barely touched with Melanoma, that touch was enough to mentally jack me the hell up.  I suppose it was a little more than just a touch, it was more like an aggressive shoulder check.  

It’s affected everything.  Every. Thing.  My work was affected.  I can't help but think if I didn't have this stupid shit, then I wouldn't have obsessed on it and I'd probably still have a job....even though it was technically a "lay-off".  My relationship with my husband has been affected.  I have a terrible time opening up and I've been just a little bit more koo-koo in the last week than I normally am (due to obvious reasons).  My sleep has been affected, luckily the last few days have been fine - but I normally only get a couple of good night's sleep a week.  And last but definitely not least, my emotions and thoughts have been affected.  They were already screwy to begin with so that part has been particularly super fun to deal with!  (I'm so sorry honey - things will get better, I promise!)

Throwing in a job loss on top of all the ways that Melanoma has affected my life has just been splendid.  Absolutely splendid.  I've got some sort of stress rash on my belly - at least that's what I am calling it even though it's not itchy.  Lots of little, teeny patches of angry skin.  Why, it's the perfect cherry topper to my craptastic sundae!  I've tried vitamin E, cortizone cream, super moisturizing lotion and it's not really getting any better...it's sort of getting worse.  Hey - now I have time to get to the doctor!