Everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason - I believe this to be true.  I believe in chance encounters.  I believe in fate.  I believe in destiny.  I fell in love with my husband the very moment that I laid eyes on him (even though he didn’t see me, apparently I was a mild creeper back then).  A week after seeing him for the very first time, I was transferred to same exact floor that he worked on; a mere 50 feet away from each other.  We worked at a 1,500 person company – there were at least 10 floors that belonged to the company.  Everything happens for a reason.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around a reason for Melanoma.  Am I supposed to educate people?  Is this going to bring our family closer?  Am I going to help other newbies in the club?  Am I supposed to jump in with both feet into freaking yoga like my optometrist said that I needed to do 2 years ago?   Am I not supposed to worry about things like I normally do?  Is this going to take away my road-rage?  Will this make me a stronger person?  I think the answer is a big HELL YES to all…well, maybe not the road-rage part.  What?  I can’t stand stupid drivers and the horn is there for a reason – as is my middle finger.

It’s kind of weird how things work out.  Melanoma has already changed some of me and I am certain there is more to come.  I’m opening up more than ever and even though this is not face to face, it's all absolutely coming from my heart.  I’m letting go of feelings and thoughts that would normally pollute my mind and then ultimately my well-being.  I’m still changing, learning and growing (hopefully not yet another size, that wouldn’t be cool).  As strange as it may be, this was my destiny.  I will come out the other side a stronger version of myself.  Everything happens for a reason, regardless how glorious or shitty they may be. 

I've already had something amazing come out of this.  While getting my hair done during my lunch break last week - yes, you read that right, during my ONE hour lunch (if you live in South Orange County and need some help with your fro, let me know and I'll give you her info) - my hair chick said that she made an appointment with a dermatologist and is dragging along her husband, too!  Yeah!!  That made me feel REALLY good.  I may not have physically jumped for joy because at that time even the thought of jumping hurt - but I was absolutely jumping on the inside.  If my little situation can reach my family, friends, friends that I haven't made yet or anyone else that I don't physically know, that is amazing.  Step into the unknown and make your destiny part of your reality and get into a routine of checking your body.  Or, even better - take it to the next step and get into a routine of having a dermatologist check your body for you - it may save your life like it did mine :)

Six years with my best friend

Six years ago today, I married my best friend.  He is the best man that a girl could ever ask for.  It’s amazing to feel truly loved, everyone should have that opportunity.  As I said in a previous post: he’s my best friend, partner in crime, my comfort, my world and now my savoir. 

After receiving the pathology report and coming to the realization that things could potentially be worse than we were expecting (due to the mitotic rate and my way of thinking that anything could happen) – I gave him an out.  I told him that he didn’t sign up for this and if things got really bad he could leave.  I wouldn’t want him to sit around taking care of a sick chick, wasting precious time of his life.  If things were really bad, he had a one-time deal that he could cash in on.  I can’t help that I am a worst case scenario thinker. 

He didn’t budge.  Not one bit.  He didn’t even look to the left…meaning that he didn't even give it any thought.  You can tell if someone is thinking (or lying) by their eyes - they typically will look up to the right/left when thinking of something truthful and then down the left when lying because they are thinking of a made up response. I’m weird like that; I pay attention to little things. 

We sat there and talked about the what-ifs in the midst of several tears.  “Lovebird, if shit goes down and you only have a little time left, I am taking you on the most amazing vacation that you could ever dream of.  I would sell my truck and max out my credit card.  I would go broke for you to go happy.”  Hell, we even talked about doing a little Thelma & Louise action.  Being together, holding hands and going down in a blaze of glory.  A little dramatic, but it was really funny to picture.

Now that we were told that the Melanoma did not spread to the nodes, I’m definitely not going anywhere anytime soon.  Luck is on my side and he’s not getting rid of me just yet (neither are you peeps).  We’re only six years into marriage as of today and only nine years being together the end of this coming November.  That is absolutely not nearly long enough when you find your other half.  I married him because I love him to death and I never wanted to be without him.  I rarely am without him, only when we're working.  We are practically joined at the hip and I like it that way.

Honey cakes, I love you with my entirety.  You make so happy I could punch you!  Now you know why I hit you so much, because I am so very happy.  I know that you'll be on my side regardless, through thick and thin.  Even when I am being a complete beast, you grin and bear it until I come to and realize that I am being nasty.  You rub my back at 3am when I can’t sleep, you let me cry when I need to, you take care of me when I need help, you help out around home more than I do, we laugh at stupid jokes until we choke and I love that you don't think cemeteries are creepy - we absolutely 'get' each other.  Every year our bond grows stronger.  You're everything that I have ever wanted and more. I love you with my whole heart and soul, please don’t ever forget that. 

Happy Anniversary, Shuggy.  Here's to a lifetime of love notes, kisses and anniversaries :)

I've got an angry nerve!

It’s been a day shy of two weeks since surgery and tomorrow is the day where I am supposed to be “back to normal”.  Yeah, right.  I’m still really sensitive.  Had the follow up appointment with Dr. Surgeon on Tuesday (news still good, still clean) and can you guess what happened?  They ripped the tape off.  As in it violently ripped it off.  As in my back started bleeding when the tape was ripped off.  I screamed.  I cussed.  I swatted hands away.  

I really thought the tape coming off would make things feel at least a tiny bit better.  For some reason, I was thinking that the tape was pinching the skin in a strange way, thus making my nerves act all weird.  Wrong.  The tape is off and the skin/area is almost more sensitive.  I’m still numb on the left side of the incision on my back all the way down to the underside of my left arm.  Now, it’s not all numb; it’s the most peculiar sensation. You know when you’ve slept on your arm and when it starts tingling back to life?  It’s still kind of numb, but it hurts?  Combine that with the feeling of having a big bruise that gets touched.  It’s mixed like that, numb but bizarrely painful. 

The hubs is always accidentally touching my back/arms and I wince in pain.  It’s just him being affectionate.  He’ll grab me by both arms to bring me in for a kiss – while I silently cringe.  I guess it’s not so silent; my face always gives it away…  I wish it were warmer so I could wear a tank-top or something that would show the cuts so people are reminded to be a little delicate when hugging/touching. 

The unfortunate thing is this is completely normal.  Based on what I’ve read, I will have these sensations for a few more....months.  There are several LARGE nerves in your axilla region (aka – your armpits).  I doubt that they’ve been severed because I would assume the pain would be outrageous.  I don’t know what the heck was done, but my nerve(s) are a little on the messed up side.  When I lift my arm up, you can feel through the skin (and sometimes see) what seems to be a thick nerve in my pitter.  It seems angry.  My right arm doesn’t have it.  Can nerves get swollen?  How can I make my nerves happy again?  I don’t know.  This is why I don’t like moving my arm around – it also gets angry.  Makes me think of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" ~ I've got an angry nerve!  (If you're into obscure/funny/inappropriate musicals - that movie is for you).

Here are some new pictures of the aftermath.  The incision on my back is actually about 5 inches and the one under my arm is about 4 inches.  I got out of the shower last night and pulled out my mirror and just stood there....staring.  This was the first time that I've seen it bare, without any tape or bandages.  It's still has a bunch of glue on it, but you can see it in it's full gnarly, glory.

This is what my actually left pitter looks like.  See the "swollen nerve" on my left side or whatever the hell it is?  That's what it looks like, feels like and seems like.  That 'line' in my left pit is the one that feels like it's going to snap when I lift my arm up.  It's super cool...

RESPECT THE SUN!  Things could obviously be worse, the cancer could have spread.  I'd much rather have these gnarly scars than have my lungs, liver, kidneys and/or brain being invaded by Melanoma.  BUT believe me, if I could have avoided this shit – you better damn believe I would have.  BE AWARE OF YOUR BODY!