It is what it is

You know, I just recently realized that I take for granted the good days that I have.  They can sometimes last a week...a month or longer and I completely take them for granted.  I am going to squeal like a little school girl the day that they return.

This stupid g-damn lump on my back threw me for a fucking tailspin.  I am sure that it's nothing - I am actually almost 98% positive that it's a lipoma - but it's the other 2% that thinks it's larger, bigger and more important than the 98%.  That measly 2% is a bully...and I wish I could kick it's teeth in.  "Bite the curb you stupid, little 2% piece of shit!" ~ that's what I wish the other 98% would say....but it's not.

So, Moody McBunzy has returned fully.  I'm sure some of you have read in previous posts that the hubs calls me "Bunzer" or "Bunzy" - it's my nickname - along with "Hams" and "Lovebird".  The first three are because of my white-girl ghetto booty.  The last nickname is because, in all honestly, I can be adorably sweet...during the good days.  Definitely not during the bad days.  Bad days mean that I shrink into a hole - a non-communicative hole.  I've cried the last two nights.  Probably because I'm not sleeping, that clearly doesn't help matters at all.

I used to only go to the doctor when I was bleeding from places that I shouldn't be bleeding from.  Literally - or unless I was coughing up green crap for longer than a week.  That was it!  Now, EVERYTHING from random joint pain, random headaches, random bruising, random lumps and bumps and random other pain (such as currently my right outer ear which is totally bizarre) is a potential doctor's appointment for the very near future.  Not to mention whenever one of the aforementioned idiocies happen what is the first thing in my mind?  Melanoma.  Is that a way to live??  No - no, it's not.  Is that now what is known as my life??  Yes - yes, it is.  And it fucking sucks.

I was telling the hubs the other night that this is all SO weird for me.  It's been a year and half and Cancer is not good for someone that doesn't deal well with emotions.  The only emotions that I know are happiness and anger - I work with them just fine - two ends of the spectrum keeping everything balanced.  Toss fear into the mix and it throws everything off balance.  It's fucking stupid!!  See, there I go, trying to turn the fear into anger...trying to turn it into something that I can understand.  All anger and no fear make Bunzy a weird girl.  That 'Shinning' quote re-make doesn't really work, does it?

I'm not writing this to complain...just venting...which I guess are the same thing, but whatever - I'm venting.  I know things can always be worse.  I know that I need to look ahead for better days.  I'm just tired and needed this off of my chest (ahem, back).  My doctor's appointment with new Dr. Surgeon is coming up next week - next Thursday to be exact.  I am SO anxious.  I am anticipating the lack of sleep not getting any better until then...but, it is what it is.  Right?  Right.  

Another not lovely lady lump...

So…I haven’t written in a while and realized that’s because everything is peachy.  Everything really has been just super and awesome.  But, now I have something to write about.  It’s not super and it’s definitely not awesome.

Last weekend the hubs and I went over to his mom’s house and she was showing us her xbox Kinects, which I totally want now.  It basically SEEs you – it really watches your movements so you get accurate, real time game playing (insert government conspiracy theory here).  Anyways, we played ‘Fruit Ninja’ and you use your arms (and also legs like I was trying to do) and judo-chop your way through the game.  Seeing that I don’t use my judo chopping abilities on a day-to-day basis, I was SO sore the next day. 

The hubs, being the amazing hubs that he is, asked if I wanted a back rub which lately I've been declining these offers because they just don’t feel good anymore over my back because of my scar area.  However, with the soreness adding up, I agreed.  As he is rubbing my back, he exclaims “Jeez honey, you have a HUGE lump on your back”.  He’s rubbing over it and I am able to contort myself enough to feel it, it’s not a knot.  It’s a lump.  A large lump. 

I don’t think really anything of it for the rest of the day, but after getting out of the shower that night I decided to have a peek.  I didn't see anything upon the initial review, then I arched my back and gasped when I saw it because I wasn't expecting it to be that large.  I took a picture of it this morning and I emailed it to the two doctors that I've seen at Kaiser (general doc & dermatologist).  I am getting SUPER antsy. 

It's not hard, it doesn't hurt and it's about an inch under the bottom of my scar (on the left side of my body).  No clue how long it's been there.  Is this common?  Yes and no.  Yes because it could be a Lipoma, which is just a collection of fatty tissue and totally benign. Although, Melanoma likes to mimic Lipomas...and they can be mimicked close to your primary melanoma (hence my concern).  Some people can get a local recurrence because basically that's where the cancer cells know where to go, they've already hung out there before.  

Another concern, because it's near my spine, is the last 2 months I've had sciatic pain that I've never had before.  Sometimes it's so strong that I have to stop walking and just stand there like a weirdo.  Also, my left leg tends to fall asleep more than I can remember it doing before, too.  Other than that, I haven't had any other issues with it - except for last night, but that's just because I was aware of it.

Trying not to panic....  Trying to remain calm until Kaiser calls me back.  Trying to keep good thoughts.  So, since I am trying to keep good thoughts - keep good thoughts for me, yes?  

Awareness & Ignorance

I was sitting on the couch with the hubs the other night and the baby blog was brought up and it dawned on me that I hadn't written in a while.  He points to his forehead and exclaims "I bet you have tons of stories a-brewin' up there".  I look down and realize that I don't.  The reason?  I'm good.  I guess the times when my fingers have things to say is when I'm worried...  But, things have been good over the last couple of months.

Then something happened.  I'm sure a lot of us Mel-a-land are fully aware.

The mother-effing G-Damn Surgeon General announced that tanning is (*gasp*) BAD FOR YOU!!!  Whaaaa?  The very first sentence from CNN's article (click here) states:

"Skin cancer is on the rise, according to the American Cancer Society, with more cases diagnosed annually than breast, prostate, lung and colon cancer cases combined."

Now, of course that 'figure' they are coming up with is not just Melanoma.  That includes ALL of the lovely forms of it with the three head honchos of the skin Cancer world are Basal Cell, Squamous Cell and creepy Melanoma.

I posted something to my Facebook page about it and step-son D commented saying something along the lines of 'people are just getting this?'  Yes, D, people are stupid.  Stupid, dummy mono...stupid, dummy mono!  *Little tid-bit of Amber Info: whenever I heard the word 'stupid', I sing "Stupid, Dummy Mono, Stupid, Dummy mono" in my head.  Mono = monkey in Spanish.  Don't ask.  O-kay, FINE - you can ask!!  These boys I went to school with in middle school would sing that song if someone did something stupid...like, you know trip or say something dumb.  You wished I didn't tell you, huh?  Yeah me too....me, too.

Anyways - lets move on shall we?

The stupidity...ermmh....ignorance of people reminds me of a little situation that happened with the hubs a bit ago.  A co-coworker mentioned that his wife had gone through breast cancer...or he was going to be taking care of his brother that had Cancer - maybe both, not sure.  The hubs, having something to talk about himself, mentioned me and our story.  The dude sat there with a blank look on his face. The hubs asked "Do you know what Melanoma is??".  The dude straight up said "Yeah, skin cancer?  Not really the same!" and then threw in an eye-roll for good measure.  What a dick!

All in all, I am so very happy the media is involved.  We alone are loud, but not all people listen.  We needed this Surgeon General announcement.  It only took them years and years, but hey - we'll take what we can get!