I'm a weirdo...

"Hello, my name is Amber and I am a weirdo!" 

This morning I woke up, each day getting more and more used to the new time change, and my first thought was my doctor's appointment set for tomorrow morning.  I feel the familiar fluttering of little butterflies: I am excited.  Excited for a doctor's appointment.

I was not this girl before.  I really hated going to the doctors.  The smell of the rooms, the waiting around, the magazines...actually, I still hate the magazines - I never touch them - they creep me out (especially the "Highlights" children magazine - I give those ones the stink eye). 

Now, I am the weirdo who gets excited for a doctors appointment.  Hey, it's been a long time since I've seen a white coat - I am almost getting withdrawals!  The last year has been a whirlwind of doctorate degrees and if I had to average it out over the last 12 months I have probably been to an appointment of some sort twice a month...maybe even three times in some cases.  So, yeah - I miss those smartasses. 

This appointment tomorrow will be with my new primary care.  I have an HMO now, so I gotta see my PCP first and foremost and then have him refer me to a Dermatologist, Oncologist (which I may ask the dermatologist for his opinion), Gastroenterologist and finally an OBGYN.  I have a lot of shit coming up!  I am due for my annual lady parts exam, I am overdue on my 3 month derm appointment and I am 5 months overdue for my 6 month follow up with Dr. Surgeon.

The sad part is I won't be able to see any of the doctors that I have been seeing over the last 12 months.  The happy part is that I have insurance and I will be meeting new doctors.  As I wrote that I actually grimaced that I am excited about meeting new doctors...I'm telling you, I'm a weirdo.... I guess getting the chance to tell my story to a set of ears is sort of exciting... the possibility of new tests. 

 

No Smoking Day!

This year will be me and the hubs 10 year "anniversary" of being together (we'll be married 7 years in April).  This year will also be the five year anniversary of me quitting smoking!  Woooo Hooo!!  Actually, come to think of it - those two anniversaries that I just wrote about will fall on the exact day. I smoked for 12 years and quit when I was 28. That's a long time!  Seriously, I was just a few years shy of smoking half of my life.  

Anyways - back to where I was going with this.  I tried to quit a few times before but this last time worked because I was just over it.  That's the winning ingredient - being over it.  You can't quit unless you are 1,000% ready to.  When I think of it now, I almost can't believe that I even started.  When you first smoke, your body tries to reject the smoke by making you damn near cough out your lungs.  The first two or three times I smoked I had to lay down for 30 minutes each time because the cigarette gave me such a stomach ache.  What did I do the next day?  I smoked another one. First if you don't succeed, try and try again!  I was such an idiot.  I wanted to be with the "in" kids.  What?  Everyone was doing it. 

This wasn't the last time I was 'peer-pressured' into something.  I was peer-pressured into getting my nose pierced.  Yeah, let's talk about it.  I was with some friends and we stopped by this guy's piercing shop and he had all the nose piercing paraphernalia ready to go - then the chick backed out at the last minute.  Since everything was sterilized and ready to be punched out I got it done for free - and it hurt.  Eyes watered like crazy, nose got swollen - I kept on accidentally rubbing it because my hands have a mind of their own and they would grab my nostril curious of why it hurt...then it'd hurt worse.  Stupid hands.  I actually think my nose piercing is super cute and I will probably keep it forever.  Can you picture it?  80 year old Amber rocking a nose stud!

Since my fingers obviously have ADD, let’s go back to the original message of this posting.  Smoking - or the contrary - NOT smoking.  Today is No Smoking Day...in the UK.  I think this is an awesome campaign and the US should totally follow suit and have a day dedicated to it.  Or shit, go back to those creepy as commercials of all of the people pretending to be dead outside of Phillip Morris, Inc - representing how many people are killed annually from smoking. 

Support our British neighbors across the pond and put out your 'fags'. 

Year in a glance

Well folks, it’s been a year since I was diagnosed.  Wow.  That shit went by fast!  A lot of things have happened and a lot of things have changed in the last 12 months...primarily me.  Am I the same person?  No.  Not really.  I'm not mentally the same nor am I physically the same. However, I think I am a new and improved version of myself.  I have new pirate pizzazz and a new train of thought. 

All in all things are good, man!  I've got an awesome job, finally!   I fit in this place so much better than any company I've been at - it's seriously awesome, I love it.  I haven't been compelled to write my ramblings of a mad woman lately because I haven't driven through Crazy Town in a while.  Well, wait a second here - there is the exception of when I am on my period - then I totally take a nice scenic route through Crazy Land.  Crazy Land is right next to Crazy Town; not technically the same place, it just sounds the same.  

One of the things that I have learned over the last year is how to get a grip on my mental state - which is kind of hard when it not something tangible - not to mention something that at times you just can't control...at least for me!  My brain is almost it's own entity - especially in the middle of the night/morning when I am wide awake trying to go to sleep.  You gotta get a grip on it and it takes trial and error to figure out what works best for you.

For me, the best coping mechanism was accepting. Accepting the future, whatever it may be.  Accepting the fact that people will come in and out of my life regardless of my actions.   Accepting the changes.  Accepting that things could again change in the drop of a hat.  Accepting the emotions.  And primarily accepting the fear.   Yes, fear is consuming, but it's there for a reason.  Sometimes you have to sit with the fear to understand it.  To understand what it is that you're actually scared of and to understand how to climb out.  If people knew no fear, there would be a whole lot less of us on this planet, there wouldn't be amusement parks and scary movies would be like a romantic comedy.  Fear can be a good thing - in the sense of learning about ourselves and of course roller coasters.  

It is what it is.  Once you can accept that everything happens for a reason you can take the next step forward towards acceptance.  It might be baby steps or big, brave strides.  Whatever you can handle, run with it - we are stronger than we realize. 


**BTW - I was looking for a "motivational" image that references 'getting your shit together and not worrying about fear' and I stumbled across this quote from the great Mr. Walter White.  Let's give him a hand for throwing down some awesome words of wisdom!